Quarrel art
Where quarrel begins, the love there comes to an end? If all was so simply, to terminate relations after the first quarrel would become a good form rule.
But after all is not present? So, quarrel is better for perceiving not as «kranty to all», and as one of numerous kinds of joint activity. And, as any activity, at quarrel should have a result, and positive.
That for the sake of to quarrel?
First of all, quarrel shows, that two are each other really not indifferent, differently they would not undertake to find out so impulsively relations. However except mutual nebezrazlichija, the pair has a problem (or a little) about what quarrel signals.
Quarrel also gives energy that a problem to solve. To be in «the suspended condition», to pout against each other and weeks not to talk nekomfortno: therefore quarrel compels us to move willy-nilly further, to search for the conflict decision, to talk, change game rules.
At last, quarrel shows, that people and their relations develop, and situations vary.
Quarrel is, it is unconditional, good, provided that the pair wishes to remain still together. Kind quarrel will deduce relations on a new coil much faster, than regular attempts of maintenance of the thin world. However «kind quarrel» has rules.
Easier to listen
The main thing in quarrel not to speak at all, and to listen. As a whole it is given to women easier. What he, actually, wishes to tell, when is boiled concerning your long telephone conversation with the girlfriend? Thousand different things. Perhaps he has decided to make to you a surprise: for the first time for last month has washed ware – and nobody has estimated its mournful work? Perhaps it does not have not enough attention? Or he waits, when you together will take seat to look cinema, and all of you do not go?
Not clearly – ask!
It is not necessary to indulge in illusion as if you are capable to read its thoughts. The unwillingness to ask that to you is not clear, can generate monsters of misunderstanding. Besides the man seldom expresses the feelings is verbose and completely. Help it: having seen displays of its feelings, put forward a working hypothesis: «it seemed To me, you irritates, when I call to you for work?». «Yes, because you suggest me to discuss such questions which could and wait till the evening».
Not to be silent
Coming back to a question on reading of thoughts: more than possibly, as favourite does not see you through and no concept has about many your emotions. Whether it is necessary to leave it in ignorance? Tell that is not pleasant to you that does not suit you. It can become the invitation to quarrel – but how differently he learns about set of the important things?
State directly, that you not can to see easy meeting of socks under a bed. To be silent, disappear and conceal discontent where it is more dangerous. If, of course, you do not plan to leave in three days the partner. The discontent will necessarily be pulled out outside by hurricane all smetajushchej quarrels in which people any more do not hear each other.
To express feelings, but words
If you become angry, it is possible to beat, of course, ware or to break furniture for the sake of an emotional discharge. It, probably, will surprise him, but mutual understanding to you will not add. More likely he will become reserved and becomes still neobshchitelnej.
No to put feelings it is better into words. For example, you speak: «I simply fly into a rage, when I hear your constant conversations on« the present woman ». Pay attention to correct grammar. Here there are you + the description of your emotion + that has provoked it in its behaviour. In this phrase there is charge, no blackmail or requirements.
To choose suitable time and a place
If has ripened an explanation, this process should occur in suitable conditions. Not at visitors – if only you do not want, that they have somewhat quicker started to gather home. Not while it escapes for work, feverishly searching for car keys. And not when he is strongly tired. Hardly the explanation is well combined with a romantic supper; and precisely it is not necessary to quarrel in bed. Improper conditions of quarrel are rough infringement of technics of explosive safety. Well and, of course, it is not necessary to devote to this genre of dialogue all 24 hours a day. In a life there are also other employment.
To brake on red light
There is one more rule of noble quarrel – perhaps, the most important. Sometimes all kind intentions and diligence at all do not work, and furiousness and inability to listen each other inevitably grow. Having crossed a certain threshold, people practically run away.
And so, the major moment consists that this threshold should be felt to brake for some metres to it. Otherwise there will be already habitual failure of dirty quarrel. And if you brake, quarrel is impossible is a game of two players, it is enough to stop to one that it has come to an end. Only on high degree of dispute to close a mouth and to leave a battlefield uneasy, trainings here be required.
- It is possible to look on hours, preliminary having solved: if we speak 15 minutes and we slip on a place, I leave game. (It is easier, if you agree in advance about it with the partner).
- Most easier to leave a battle-field physically: to take a shower, walk with a dog, to sit down for the computer.
- If negotiations have fallen asleep on a dead point, sometimes it is necessary to tell simply each other: «At us a problem, but we have got stuck. We will continue discussion the day after tomorrow». The joint decision of anything now not to solve is too the important agreement.
The average man in bolshej to a measure is inclined to avoid quarrel, than the woman. The persevering aspiration of the man not to admit discussion of conflicts considerably raises risk of divorce. But bilateral conscious efforts to achieve bolshej opennesses concerning conflicts raise quality of a joint life.
Studying of matrimonial quarrels has revealed, that 69 % of time of the spouse argue on things which to change it is impossible: for example, round character or temperament of the partner, on a theme of differences of the man from the woman. It is natural, that attempts to solve an unsoluble problem only raise level of stress, rage and depression.
One of these days one research in the USA has shown, that contrary to opinions of psychologists and the teachers, open disputes between parents in the presence of children do not lead to growth of quantity of children's behavioural problems.
To change the point of view
Any unique style of quarrel depends on that understanding, that this such. For many quarrel is defined by a metaphor of battle, competition, fight. Then the person aspires to unattainable Day of the Definitive Victory – and sometimes it really waits, however to celebrate it it is necessary in proud loneliness. Anybody in the world never before has not proved to any person, that that is not right, especially – the man. So the military approach here is no more reasonable, than daily trainings on kusaniju own elbow.
It is more useful to think, that quarrel is other person of love, intensive interaction for a two. And then in quarrel it is possible to see not war, and something else. Heavy, but the necessary joint work, school, examination of relations, at last – dance or children's game in vojnushku. The pair which has already gone through not one season of quarrels and remained pair, receives much more chances to become rather happy for a long time and seriously.
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